This dedicated to all of you who have never or will never be pregnant. If you don’t want to hear my bitching then stop HERE.
This post is closely related to my first post about the Joys of Pregnancy. I wrote that towards the middle of my pregnancy. This post was written at the end of this beautiful pregnancy journey where I am OVER these so called “joys.” Let’s pop this baby out!
Disclaimer: obviously hormones played an itty bitty part in writing this post. So let’s just start with that.
Have you even heard the expression “don’t cry over spilt milk?” Well, those of you that believe this have a) never been pregnant or b) never been a breastfeeding mommy. Let’s stop with this idiom. Us pregnant chicks will cry over EVERYTHING. It could be a dirty floor, a missing sock in the dryer, the waiter getting our order wrong. It may be happy tears or it may be angry/sad tears. With that said, our bitch switch is basically always on. It just has varying levels. Just like a dimmer switch only bitch mode never really turns off it’s just dormant.
2. WEIGHT GAIN
Yes, this is what it is like trying to get your seat belt in position.
Oh boo hoo, you gained the freshman 15 or the freshman 20. Guess what?! I gained the pregnant 30 and I know some who gained the pregnant 70. Quit cha’ bitchen. PS- your weight gain is your fault. Do you like it when people say to you “oh wow, you’ve gotten big.” Okay, then don’t say it to pregnant women! I, personally, let it roll off my back, but remember that little bitch switch I mentioned earlier. If you want to avoid the fallout then just refrain from sharing. This weight gain brings on a whole new set of joys: water retention, sleepless nights, sore backs, gestational diabetes… the works. Oh yeh, let us not forget the stretch marks.
3. SLEEPLESS NIGHTS
BAHAHA, that’s funny. Who are you kidding Boppy advertising team?
This fun symptom doesn’t appear until the last part of pregnancy. It becomes extremely difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep. Imagine that you are a beached whale (yes, only I can say that because I am the one that’s pregnant). Getting comfortable is EXTREMELY difficult. You now have a huge stomach in front of you. You cannot lie on your tummy and you cannot lie on your back. Your options are right side or left side. Rolling your big ol’ belly from one side to the other is not only painful, but a challenge. You’ll be on one side for 5 minutes and become uncomfortable. So, you’ll switch positions. You’ll breathe a sigh of relief because now you are comfortable. Then, and only then, will your bladder say, “Hi, I’d like to be evacuated for the umpteenth time tonight.” GREAT! Let’s just roll off the bed and try not to hurt ourselves because just sitting up and scooting is not an option. You’ll get to the bathroom and pee. REALLY, I got out of bed for this? REALLY. You’ll get back in bed and do this little nighttime prego dance for the rest of the night.
Oh, and if you the person that shares the bed with the pregnant woman… DEAL WITH IT. Making a baby takes two and I can almost guarantee you were the bozo who agreed to this so I have no sympathy for you and your precious sleep. Deal with her movements that shakes and quake the bed. Deal with her loud breathing and snoring. And DO NOT tell her “can you roll over, you’re snoring in my face.” HAHA, do you know what it took to roll to this side???? Bitch mode ‘ON.’
4. Labor and Delivery
Yes, women were made to have babies, but that doesn’t mean it’s fun. We get to labor for hours on end and some people even labor for days. Contractions feel worse than any “period cramp” imaginable. No, you cannot compare contractions to period cramps or getting kicked in the nuts. It has its own category of pain called HOLY CRAP DEATH MAY BE A BETTER OPTION. After we exhaust ourselves with contractions and what not, we get to push something the size of a plump watermelon out of our who-has.
5. The After Math
I’ll spare you the gory details, but pregnancy doesn’t end at delivery. The 6 weeks after you deliver are just as sucky. Here are a few things you can expect AFTER 9 months of fun: your baby WON’T sleep through the night, breastfeeding doesn’t always come naturally, baby weight doesn’t just disappear after your little one is born, and you WILL be sore after birth. Then a magical thing happens, you will FORGET about all the pain and suffering you endured to get here. You’ll look at your baby and fall in love. A few months later you’ll consider having another one because all the bad made something this wonderful. At that time, I will slap you in the face and direct you over to this post. HA.
I’m sorry, but I was not one of those women who loved being pregnant. I never had the pregnant glow and my body was not made to stretch this far. It isn’t fun for me and I enjoy holding my baby outside of my body more than in, thank you. However, I am one of those crazy people who would do it all over again whether I remember this hell or not. So, maybe in 6 months someone should slap me and direct me back here.