Terrible Twos: Ready, Set, Go!

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Since turning two, Austin has been a crazy mad-man (The past few days especially).  So, he isn’t as terrible as the title suggests, but he is pretty naughty.

First of all, his speech has exploded.  He says new words everyday and amazing me with some of the things he remembers.  He is my little elephant, this boy NEVER forgets.  His speech is not the problem now-a-days, it’s his defiance.

If he is doing something I don’t want him to do, I will tell him no and immediately he points his finger at me and says “GO! GO!” and then proceeds to push me away.  Um, excuse me Mr.?  I’m in charge!  Anyways, it is a constant power struggle with him.

Recently, he learned how to open the sliding glass door to the backyard.  He LIVES to go outside.  He absolutely loves it.  So, with this newfound skill, of course he has to open the door and sneak out a million times.  I’ve caught him do it a lot and race over to the door to yell at him, but then I see him in all his glory doing circles in the grass with his arms outstretched as if he just busted out of jail.  Soaking up the sunshine that he, obviously, never sees.  It’s so hard to get mad at a boy who just wants to live a little.  Okay, it’s not THAT hard because I have no problem scooching his booty right back in the house.  He does, however, have a problem with the scooching.  You’d think the world was ending by the amount of alligator tears he produces.

I explain to him that Mommy can’t go outside and watch him because she has A, B, C to do.  We do spend quite a bit of time outside, but it is apparently not enough for this kid.

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Anyways, THIS ^ is how he gets outside.  It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him no or how many times I move that rocking horse away from the door, he moves it right back and sneaks outside again.  He will wait until the second I’m not looking and bolt for the door.  I have even caught him mid jail-break and he threw himself on the ground and acted like he wasn’t doing anything.

Oh look, mom.  I’m pretending to be asleep on the floor.  If I lay here she won’t catch on to my master plan.

Excuse me, Austin.  Contrary to popular toddler belief, I am not a T-Rex and your motionless body will NOT render you invisible.  Sorry.

He can also open his bedroom door.  JOY.  Now naps are a struggle and mommy has to wake her booty up in the morning when Austin gets up to make sure he isn’t trying to escape while I am sleeping.

Toddler Code of Conduct # 1. You are the family alarm clock. It is your job to wake up at the ass-crack of dawn every day.

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Austin’s newest obsession is ice.  I bought him a snow cone machine for his birthday and he asks for it daily.  Okay, he asks for it hourly.  I don’t mind because I love snow cones too!  Above ^ you’ll see Austin taking out his snow cone machine and asking for some ice.  He also fiends for FRUITies, pronounced foodies, meaning smoothies.  I usually blend a tropical mix I get from Costco, pop in some Kale or carrots and call it a day.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Austin doesn’t seem too bad.  Ashley is mistaken.”  Oh, contraire.  Let me tell you how our Sunday went.

Scroll past the first paragraph if you want to forego talk about feces. —————————————————

The morning began with a toddler coming into my bedroom saying “owie” and pointing at his crotch.  Turns out he basically crapped whole peanuts out and was sitting in his poop covered nuts (no pun intended ;).  Rewind back to dinner the night before.  We went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse.  If you’ve been there, you know that you can eat shelled peanuts and throw them on the ground.  Well, Austin ate a lot.  It was our way of distracting him from the 30 minute wait.  If we didn’t distract him, our little escape artist would have hauled butt for the parking lot.  If he isn’t supposed to be somewhere, he will find a way to get there.  Anyways, after crapping himself at the restaurant and forgetting to mention it to me or Justin, I picked him up and felt his lovely blowout surprise.  LOVELY.  Not only was it up his back, but diaper change was quite the adventure.  Lets just say poop got everywhere!  Fast forward to Sunday morning and you have a diaper full of “owies.”

Toddler Code of Conduct # 2. ALWAYS crap your pants AFTER leaving the house. Your best bet is to clench those cheeks together until you have left your street, and then EXPLODE!!! To achieve Legend status, do this when your parent is in a huge hurry to get somewhere very important.

The morning was fine and it wasn’t until AFTER he skipped nap time that things got a little crazy in the Pfeffer household.

Toddler Code of Conduct # 9. You are in control of your sleep schedule. If you do not want to go to sleep, then don’t, and if someone really wants you to go to sleep, then definitely do not do it. Do your best to get so tired that you become an evil miserable crying mess. That will show them!

This is what our evening looked like:

Austin snuck outside for the umpteenth time, danced in the grass, refused to come inside and had a meltdown when I brought him inside.  This is when all hell broke loose.  The things toddlers cry about amazes me.

Meltdown 1) Coming inside

2) Sitting down for dinner

3) The food on his plate

4) The wrong fork

5) The bath being drawn

6) The fact that Luke’s tub was in HIS bathtub

7) When it took me too long to put bubbles in the bath

8) When I didn’t put enough bubbles

9) When there were too many bubbles

10) When I touched the bubbles

11) When I turned off the water

12) When he had to get out of the tub

13) When I needed to put his diaper/PJs on

14) When his binkie fell out of his mouth

15) When his show wasn’t on

16) When we turned on the “wrong” show

17) When bedtime was suggested

meltdown after meltdown after meltdown.

The night ended in a hot shower and a cold beer for mommy.

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# 20 “the most important code of toddler conduct — for every five minutes you spend terrorizing your parent(s), sibling(s) and/or pet(s), provide one minute of pure sweet lovin’ to ensure complete forgiveness.” – The Toddler Code of Conduct: 20 Rules Toddlers Live By

I forgive you, Austin.  There is always tomorrow ❤ & I’m glad I have tomorrow to share with you.

MommaOwlsign

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